The Male Lead Is Obsessed With Proposing to Me - Chapter 45

[T/L: So sorry for the mess up everyone! Ch 45 and Ch46 got mixed up, so I’m uploading both again!]

39. 39. Shaken

Although Benelucia thought that he should not say such harsh words to Lucalina, he still chose to follow the path his anger had set out for him. 

“But I hope something like today never happens again.”

“…Ben.”

It was natural that Lucalina’s expression hardened.

“I clearly rejected your confession, Luna.”

However, Benelucia continued speaking while trying to ignore her facial face.

To be honest, the thought of chasing after Senelia was more intense in his mind than worrying about Lucalina, who was right in front of him even now.

However, if he didn’t make his attitude clearer, something like today would happen again.

That’s why Benelucia didn’t go after Senelia right away.

“But since you confessed in front of everyone, the matter between you and me will probably spread to the masses and be exaggerated beyond comparison in a short period of time.”

It is a story of an affair between two war heroes after all.

Benelucia returned victorious from the battlefield when he was not yet an adult, and as Clifford had no children, he was first in line to inherit the throne and the only candidate who could compete for power against their current tyrant.

That alone would be enough to catch people’s attention, but isn’t Lucalina the war hero people are most excited about right now?

The victor who ended a long war that lasted eleven years.

It’s only natural that people are also interested in her.

With the two of them entangled in this situation, how could the gossip magazines not be abuzz? Benelucia knew that there was no reality in which this would not spread. 

“…Even though it’s not what I wanted.”

At his honest confession, Lucalina’s face heated up.

Benelucia was now pointing out how much damage her confession without his consent was causing to him and herself.

Originally, a public confession had a positive meaning when both parties were already confident in their love and in making each other happy.

“The reason I stayed here with you, Luna, was because I couldn’t embarrass you in front of so many people, not to accept your confession.”

A public confession made without the other person’s consent was ultimately nothing more than putting pressure on the other person through people’s eyes.

…There weren’t as many people as I thought who could embarrass someone who confessed in front of everyone. I didn’t expect…

“So no more…” 

“… ”

“Are you saying I shouldn’t confess to you anymore?”

Before Benelucia could say another word, Lucalina cut him off this time.

“…I— Ben, I wanted you to make me… I thought you would wait for me.”

Lucalina poured out her emotions without realizing it. Her honest thoughts and hopes laid bare. 

“That’s why I was able to endure even in that terrible place.”

For eleven years, I lived in a place where people were killed and gravely wounded.

While the knights in the army either died or gave up their knighthood and returned to their hometowns in some way, Lucalina did not.

Defeated soldiers. That’s what she would become had she given up then. 

She never gave in because she knew that Clifford’s wish was for her to lose her position due to the dishonor.

Only by staying would Lucalina be able to help Benelucia.

Some people say that she never once backed down from the long war, but that didn’t mean that Lucalina was well all this time.

They said it was poisonous, the battlefield was full of war and poison.

How could I have been okay?

Still, with you in mind, I held on.

Because she thought Benelucia would wait for her.

But only she knew how devastated she felt when he told her that he didn’t love her as soon as he returned.

“You said you would wait.”

Lucalina was overcome with despair and could barely hold back the tears that were welling up in her eyes.

The day Benelucia left for battle and on the day Lucalina left for the battlefield.

They promised each other two things.

“I will come back alive somehow.”

“I will definitely wait for you.”

Now it was time for that pledge to come true.

But he has changed!

And so the moment she had been waiting for was cruelly broken.

“Your destiny is me, Ben.”

Lucalina couldn’t bear to show her broken expression and covered her face with both hands.

The reason she was able to endure was, more than anything, because she knew that the future would eventually lead to her and him being connected.

But now that it has gone awry, Lucalina has collapsed endlessly.

Seeing her like that, Benelucia’s head bowed.

He couldn’t face Lucalina.

Benelucia chewed the delicate flesh in his mouth, he had messed up. It was all so wrong.

The fishy taste of blood filled his mouth.

A heavy sense of guilt strangled his throat.

Yes, as it was, Benelucia had promised to love Lucalina.

Because it was his atonement and duty for all she had been through.

“…I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Luna.”

However, after a long period of silence, that was the only thing Benelucia could say.

Because I couldn’t try to love you now.

If that had been possible, he wouldn’t have clung to Senelia, destroying his pride for the first time in his life.

“I am… I love Senelia.”

Benelucia also knew that his words were extremely cruel to Lucalina.

Still, that was the only truth he could tell.

***

“Huh… Huh… Huff…”

The moment the carriage door closed, Senelia’s breathing became heavier.

Even though she struggled so hard, those terrible situations, which instead of getting better, were heading towards the worst outcome, pushed her into a corner.

Senelia hated herself.

I’m running away from my problems.

I can’t help this situation.

I can’t bear this situation.

I hated it so, so much.

She struggled.

“I wanted to make sure you love me.”

It was no coincidence that Benelucia’s words suddenly came to mind.

Senelia mocked herself.

How can a person who cannot even love himself love others?

“Hmm… Hic… Haa…”

Senelia continued to gasp.

While the carriage moved, her stomach churned and turned.

How lucky she was that she hadn’t eaten earlier. 

At Least I won’t throw it all up in the carriage.

Rattle. Rattle. 

Senelia thought that even while her ears were ringing.

What are Benelucia and Lucalina doing right now?

Did Clifford know what Lucalina confessed to Benelucia?

Will I have to face Clifford again today?

Her imagination was a sharp blade that pierced through her. 

The more she imagined, the dizzier she felt.

When the carriage stopped, Senelia was barely able to stand upright on her own two feet.

She was so weak that she couldn’t even open the carriage door.

Knock knock.

“Are you alright, Young Lady?”

If there hadn’t been a knock on the carriage door from outside, Senelia might have been forced to stay inside the carriage for a while longer.

But when she didn’t answer for a long time, the knight finally opened the carriage door from the outside.

“Oh! Oh my! Lady Daphnen!!!”

A familiar but unfamiliar voice was heard.

She was not Senelia’s maid. She was sure the voice was familiar to her, but it didn’t sound like the maid who would usually accompany her. 

Cold sweat covered her body, she had a headache and her vision was blurry.

As she raised her head, red hair caught her eye.

None of Senelia’s maids had red hair.

“Come to your senses… Baby! Daphnen…!”

“The priest… and…! …Right now!”

Urgent voices echoed in Senelia’s ears and dispersed.

What exactly they were saying gradually became more and more distant from her.

“Contact… quickly…!”

Senelia lost consciousness after hearing the humming sounds.

***

When Senelia opened her eyes again, it was a familiar but unwelcome ceiling.

“Sally, are you awake?”

It was Benelucia’s room.

Senelia caught sight of his sparkling figure even under the deliberately soft light of the chandelier.

Only then did she remember that the carriage she had taken to the dressing room was the grand duke’s carriage.

So, naturally, she returned to the Grand Duchy.

“Ah—!”

The ability to think quickly was something Senelia has acquired over the past eight years.

And so, as soon as she woke up and finished assessing the situation, she bit her lip.

If we look at it objectively, I ended up in this situation just because Benelucia and Lucalina met each other.

What would he think of himself now that I’ve ended up like that?

Senelia was angry at herself for panicking and forgetting whose carriage it was.

“…Sorry. Because it looks ugly, I just do this sometimes. There’s no particular reason.”

Senelia hastily made an excuse for her previous fainting. It didn’t make sense.

I have no idea how to handle this situation.

“Stop.”

However, Benelucia cut off Senelia’s excuses.

He furrowed his brows and took her hand.

“You fainted. Why are you sorry, why are you making excuses?”

The Grand Duke looked upset.

He swallowed a sigh with difficulty.

I knew that Senelia was trying not to show weakness in front of me.

Before, he couldn’t define the emotions that surged every time something like this happened.

But Benelucia now knew what he felt.

He felt sad and out of breath every time Senelia did this.

He wondered if he had not been able to give her that much trust for eight years, or if he had not given her a reason for her to trust him.  

But when I look back on my actions, I can only blame myself.

Even if Senelia didn’t trust him, Benelucia was a person who had nothing to say.

Like always. 

“A priest visited… Sally, the reason you keep falling down and fainting isn’t because there’s something wrong with your body… They said it was because you were having a hard time mentally.”

Benelucia was extremely cautious.

No matter how many times I looked at it, the only person who could have had such an influence on her was myself. She has been under such mental strain because of me. 

The sudden death of Viscount Daphnen the carriage would not have happened if he had not caused a needless scandal.

If you think about it, even if Senelia had left me with Lucalina, wasn’t it my fault?

Senelia learned that the person Benelucia was waiting for was Lucalina.

He didn’t necessarily deny it when he had the chance.

Unless you wanted to stop someone and kill them, I shouldn’t have done something like that. I shouldn’t have cornered her with those scandals.

Even if Clifford was on the lookout and I needed someone to fool him.

I couldn’t even say sorry to you.

Even when I rejected Lucalina, I was confident that I would somehow keep Senelia by my side.

However, seeing Senelia collapse again, his heart was shaken.

“Sally, if I just let you go… Will it work? Will you feel better?”

So much so that Benelucia said such a thing.